Chapter Seven. Oh, No. He IS Gay.
My Worst Fear Comes True
After the breakup, Daniel was extremely low emotionally. Leah went to visit him in North Africa at the end of that summer. She had also just been through the ending of a relationship with the guy she had thought she was going to marry.
It became a week of mourning for the two of them. They were both questioning how their desire to hear and follow God had left them with such devastation and disappointment, wondering, “How do we even move forward trusting God?”
It was an important time for them to grieve and wrestle with God together.
About a month after Leah returned home, I received a FaceTime call from Daniel while I was at our ministry’s office. I was alone, sitting in the little room where I always ran small groups and had one-on-one meetings with youth.
I loved getting FaceTime calls from Daniel. It was always so great to see his face on my iPad. So much love oozes out when I see him!
“Mom, I’ve been reading a lot of books, and sitting with God asking Him if it could ever be okay for me to be a gay Christian man, and I believe he said, ‘yes.’ It would be okay with God for me to be in a same sex relationship.”
The whole inside of my body froze. I felt tight in my chest. This is literally what I had feared since Daniel was very young. Please God don’t let this be true.
Until that point, I had always admired Daniel’s sensitive and open heart toward God, and when he had shared times of hearing from God, I never doubted it. This time it was hard for me to accept.
I heard myself responding to Daniel, saying how much I loved him, and would always support him. I knew that was what he needed to hear at that moment. It ended up being a short conversation because I didn’t really know what else to say. I needed time to process, to cry, to scream. I didn’t know what I needed. But I’m sure we ended the call with “I love you.”
Then I packed up my stuff, jumped in my car, drove home, and collapsed on the floor as soon as I walked in the door. I just sobbed…
All the years of hoping this would never be true. All the hopes that Daniel would still marry a girl. All the moments being proud of him saying, “God’s grace is enough.” I didn’t think I could bear it. What did this mean? My head was flooded with questions and my heart was overcome with fear.
“I Want to Date”
It was a Wednesday morning before our staff meeting when the phone rang. Scott and I were both in the kitchen. The staff were coming to our house and there was some confusion happening with some of the staff that Scott was trying to deal with. He was on his laptop at the kitchen island, so I stood next to him and put the phone on speaker.
Daniel sounded serious as he started out the conversation. “I wanted to tell you that I met a guy online, he’s a Christian and is at Wheaton College. We’ve been talking for a while and would like to start a dating relationship. But we both wanted to run it by our parents first.”
I literally froze! And then I got so angry that Scott was still typing on his laptop and was not fully present to this big moment. After giving him the evil eye, I responded shakily to our son.
“Honey, all that’s coming up for me right now is fear. I know I won't stay there, and I will support you whatever you decide to do.”
It was a short conversation since people would be arriving at any moment.
I was so stirred up inside when we got off the phone. This was all happening way too fast for me. A boyfriend? I was simply not ready for that. My emotions were churning inside, and the quickest place for me to take out all my anxiety and fear was to yell at my husband for clearly not caring and missing what was happening with our son. I was so angry!
He defended himself by saying what he was doing was important and couldn’t wait. Wow! Unbelievable! In my mind, there was no excuse and nothing so important that it couldn’t wait. I of course did not pause to find out if what he was doing was urgent. Scott never fought back so he was the perfect scapegoat for dumping my fear, disguised in anger.
Help
We were sent into a whirlwind wondering how do we make sense of all of this? How will this fit into all that we have so long believed? Is there room for our now all-out gay Christian son to follow Christ and be in a same-sex relationship? How do we support him? Or not?
It was never a question of whether we loved Daniel or accepted him, but where were we going to land on all of this?
We began to seek out people who had already wrestled with these questions. There was an underlying cry in me begging God to bring me to someone who could tell me, “Your son is okay” and “You’re okay.” I wanted that within our Christian community, but most importantly with God.
Honestly, I was very concerned about what other Bible-believing Christian friends and family would think. I didn't want my son to be rejected and I didn’t want us to be rejected either. Or to be thought badly of.
We listened to countless podcasts, read many books, and sat with God asking for wisdom and guidance on how to move forward in honoring God and our son.
Daniel had suggested some books that were helpful to him. God and the Gay Christian by Matthew Vines and Torn by Justin Lee.
Reading Justin Lee’s story moved me, and I would say changed me. His heart for God, and longing to serve God with all his heart while coming to terms with being a gay Christian was so powerful to me. The rejection he had experienced by well-meaning Christians in the name of God, was heartbreaking. The whole time I was reading I was feeling and hearing the voice of our son spoken through Justin’s words.
There was no question for me that I wanted to be on the side of bringing healing and acceptance, and not on the side of rejection and judgment.
God and the Gay Christian was a harder read for me since it is quite academic. In it, Matthew Vines and his father do an in-depth theological study on what the Bible says and doesn’t say about same-sex, committed relationships. They tackle each of the passages in depth that have been used to condemn same-sex relationships.
After reading that, it moved me from having seen this as a black and white issue to now at the very least, a gray one. And if gray, I was going to choose to stand in support of my son and others like him.
Sent Home
Daniel shared with his mission team that he now felt differently about his same-sex attraction and that he no longer believed that his only option was to stay celibate or marry a woman. He shared that he felt affirmed by God to be open to a same-sex relationship and that identifying as a gay Christian man was truly who he was.
He was asked to leave.
Daniel had been scheduled to lead the summer intern team. He said he would love to continue that assignment and assured the mission that he would in no way be sharing with interns, or others, about being gay or pursue any same-sex relationships while there.
He was told this was not an option.
So he gave away or sold his household furnishings, gave away his dog, packed up what was left of his belongings, and came home.
Our hearts were heavy for our son, for the lack of understanding and support he experienced. The range of responses varied from, “You are no longer qualified to serve God,” to outright disgust. It was all so excruciatingly painful.
Daniel had established close relationships with other missionary team members and their families. He had become like a big brother to the kids of those families, but now he had been asked not to have any contact with them.
He went from being a crucial part of the team, because of his amazing ability to connect with the local people, to a dangerous person who must quickly be discarded.
I could hardly bear the fact that this really happened.
And yet I was so happy to have him home. To hold him, to comfort him, to let him know how special and loved he truly was.
I experienced a crazy mixture of emotions having him home during this time. I wanted so much for him to feel comforted in all the pain he had experienced, to make a safe place for him to talk about whatever he needed to, and most of all feel loved.
At the very same time I was feeling so much angst about all the people who had supported our son as a missionary. Many of them were our friends. How do I even begin to explain all of this? What will they think about him? What will they think about me?
Daniel would have to sit down with the pastors of his three sending churches. One was the church we had been a part of throughout his growing up years. One was the church my husband and I were currently attending, and one was my father-in-law’s church in Minnesota. We had visited the Minnesota church the previous summer and there in the church was a big picture of our missionary son hanging in their hallway. At the time, the picture brought me so much joy and excitement for Daniel. Now I was horrified to think about how he would be viewed as a disgraced missionary.
The Wedding
Shortly after Daniel returned home, we were invited to our pastor’s son’s wedding. Scott was going to be out of town, but Daniel knew the family well, so it was perfect for the two of us to go. Plus, there was going to be dancing. And Daniel loves to dance.
It had not occurred to me that going to a traditional wedding together could be so difficult and bring up so many feelings. So, I went full of the expectation that Daniel and I would have a really fun afternoon together.
It was a beautiful ceremony at the church. But as I was enjoying the beauty of the ceremony, I began to hear the words differently as I became aware of their implications to my son sitting next to me. How was he hearing these words?
There was a little time between the ceremony and the reception, so Daniel and I drove to a store somewhere close by. As we were driving, my mind was swirling with thoughts about how that had been for him to be at a traditional church wedding between a man and a woman.
So, I think I asked what it had been like for him to be there. He replied that he felt sad that his wedding wouldn’t be that happy for everyone.
I responded by saying “Well, you wouldn’t want to get married in a church, would you?” I didn't really zero in on him once again feeling that he would be a disappointment and that his wedding would not be a joyous occasion for family and friends.
It was all so loaded! I couldn’t quite imagine my gay son getting married in a church. I’m sure he wouldn’t think that would be okay, would he?
Clearly Daniel didn't like my response. We both were sitting there quietly, feeling uneasy. I was imagining that we were both thinking that his wedding someday would be hard, and maybe not happy.
Those moments in the car were very hard, and I could tell Daniel felt hurt by either my lack of sensitivity or my cluelessness. I felt sick inside, and wondered if I would ever get it “right.” The very thing I didn’t want to do seemed to be what I always did.
Daniel and I used to be able to talk about everything (in my estimation), or at least our conversations weren’t filled with land mines.
We tucked away our unresolved feelings, went to the reception and were able to enjoy our time together there.
Learning How to Dance. Or Not.
Daniel attended the wedding of a college friend in Florida shortly after he returned from North Africa. While he was there, he met up with a guy he had connected with on a dating app. He was a flight attendant from Chicago.
When Daniel told me about it, I didn’t really know how to feel. I do know I felt a lot, and I had no idea how to respond or engage in conversation about it.
Should I ask questions? Should I keep quiet? Should I tell Scott? Should I weigh in on how this all was making me feel? I pretty much landed on just being quiet and awkward…
The following weekend Daniel and I went for an outing in Newport, Rhode Island. We both love to shop, and we got lunch at an outdoor restaurant near the harbor. It was a picture-perfect day, plus the meter where we parked was out of order, so free parking, what’s better than that?
While we were at lunch I got up the courage to ask Daniel about the flight attendant from Chicago he had met. He seemed glad that I asked and was showing interest, so he told me about him. I felt good about what he shared and thought he sounded like a nice guy. We managed to have a tension-free conversation. Maybe we can do this?!
The summer got long for Daniel. He no longer felt good about attending our church with us and discovered an affirming church he could attend about an hour away. It was mostly older people who were very kind to him, but he was missing community with others his age.
“Maybe I should move to Chicago?” he wondered.
Leah’s roommate was getting married so the timing for her to offer her brother the opportunity to move into a new apartment with her, was perfect. And this guy he had been connecting with lived there.
Shortly after Daniel moved, Scott and I flew out to Chicago to help paint Leah and Daniel’s new apartment and help decorate. I was so excited to get to spend that kind of time together with the four of us. We do really well working on projects together. We all get a lot done, fast.
From the time we arrived it became clear that this was not going to necessarily be a good time. Daniel seemed distant and preoccupied. He was irritable and I felt like we were an inconvenience to him, even though we were there to help them get settled into their new place.
When we were not all working together, Daniel was on his phone setting up times to meet with his new “boyfriend.” Daniel didn’t have a car so I remember driving him to meet this guy - I thought pretty late at night. As I was dropping him off at his friend’s apartment, I asked if I could meet him.
“NO. I’m not ready for that.”
This whole thing was making me feel so uneasy. It felt like I was being etched out of my son’s life.
